The Little Things

My mom and I were standing in the kitchen one afternoon not long after we brought Madilyn home from the hospital (she spent 2.5 months in the NICU at Arkansas Children’s Hospital) when she pointed out how the “little things” just didn’t seem to matter anymore. She was talking about how all the little stuff we once used to complain about never seemed to cross our minds anymore. And it was true. Now, a lot of those things would be deemed “first world problems” - all the privileges many people in the US take for granted and too often complain about them when they aren’t working right or going exactly as planned.

But later I realized that even though it was refreshing not giving the petty little stuff any of my valuable time, the *good* little things didn’t seem to matter either. And that made me sad. When once being surprised by a really good meal or stopping by Starbucks for a latte were little bursts of happiness and excitement, they were no longer that way. The treats were still there but I just didn’t feel that spark of joy I used to when I experienced them. The intense emotions of everything else constantly filled my mind and heart to the brim. It wasn’t at all that there weren’t moments of happiness with Madilyn, it was just that those moments were often covered by a wash of anxiety and preoccupation of everything else we were dealing with at the time.

It has only been in the past year that I’ve been content enough with our situation to again feel those little sparks of joy I once lost to a constant downpour of uncertainty and worry. I contribute my renewed contentment to a few main factors: Madilyn’s medical conditions have been taken care of for the most part and we’re confident in the doctors and hospitals she has in Boston; we’ve caught up on some debt and money isn’t a major every day issue; and Madilyn is in a school where we finally feel like fighting for her needs will be worth our efforts. We’ve worked hard to get to where we are today and I’m proud of the choices we’ve made to get here. It’s not perfect but we feel more “at home” and comfortable with our lives than ever before. This makes finding the little joys much easier!

Today, I’m thankful for the little moments of joy I find elsewhere in the world. I know there are many families out there who aren’t able to do that right now. I also know that there may be a time in my future when I feel like I’m drowning in unchartered waters fighting to force air back into my life. It is that time that I will remind myself that there is a way, some way, to stay afloat and get back on course again.

Lyrics from "The River" performed by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river

Ever changin' as it flows

And a dreamer's just a vessel

That must follow where it goes

Trying to learn from what's behind you

And never knowing what's in store

Makes each day a constant battle

Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry

Like a bird upon the wind